Topic: Art Therapy
Have you ever loved something, only to have it ruined beyond repair just because someone used it to hurt you, maybe without realizing it? Maybe there was a purity test factor- someone verbally and psychologically abusing you- calling them out on it, and having them say, “well you just don’t love [example] enough.” Have you ever had something you once treasured spoiled for you so badly that even the sight of that thing makes you sick?
As I was drawing this, I started to realize/remember something scary about myself: I’m starting to hate trees.
I’ve always loved trees. They’re beautiful, magical, a joy to take care of, and the old ones can’t help but make you feel small- and that’s wonderful. It’s nice to be reminded that there are beautiful things out there much bigger than yourself. But over the past few months, I’m finding myself starting to hate them more and more- they’re causing me anxiety. I’m starting to see a fallen tree, and I feel happy… like a strong sense of vengeance to the Narcissist who ruined trees for me.
I can’t go into the reason why I’m starting to fear and hate trees as it pertains to my job- but refer to the first paragraph, and that’s essentially what’s happening to me.
The reason why I wanted to draw these trees is because art is an effective therapy. I needed to draw them, if nothing else to help me survive my own home. This morning was a mix of art and exposure therapy… putting something you fear little bits at a time in a controlled environment.
It’s really sad how when you’re hurt or angry, it’s easy to to take your frustration out on the most convenient thing, especially if it’s something you thought you loved.
Art has a way of helping reconcile these things. When I was drawing, I started to understand my frustration a little better, and it made me determined to not become bitter and take joy out of seeing suffering .
It also reaffirmed that I don’t want to treat people horribly because it’s so easy to make something wonderful sour and embitter others. When you blame people for not caring enough, for not loving something enough, then you really need to be careful. These things have a way of coming back to bite you.
I’m sorry this post was so negative, but I hope if you’re going through something like this, you can know that you’re not alone. Going to try to draw something more positive and hopeful tomorrow! ^_^