art

Evil that Lies Beneath (Self Portrait Project)

I’ve never been scared of spiders.

Ever since I was a little girl, spiders meant different to me than what they might have meant to you: cool-looking weavers that made beautiful tapestries in the trees which they used to eradicate the actual bad bugs.

Another thing that contributed to this mindset also stemmed from the fact that I grew up in a place where poisonous spiders were only slightly more common than winning the lottery or getting stuck by lightning. The movie, Charlotte’s Web, which featured the protagonist’s “mentor” as a kind, pretty spider that dies tragically was a film I enjoyed immensely.

But.

Last year, I was on a year-long study abroad trip in Italy. Over Christmas break, my now-husband flew to visit, and proposed! After the break was over, and he left, I fell into a depression. Partly missing him, partly scared of the many changes that would take place after getting home.

One night, I had a dream that mortified me. This dream stayed in my head days after it happened. No dream ever shook me before like this one.

I saw two spiders, a dark brown and a yellow one, emerge out of some food I was eating wrestling with one another. The dark brown one devoured the yellow one. The weirdest part was, this spider actually scared me. I took off my shoe and was about to crush the spider with it, but I woke up just before the blow hit.

Days after, it was consuming me. I drew spiders all the time. After generally not believing dreams had meaning, I KNEW this one did. I did a quick internet search of spider symbology, but all I got was spiders signified “great change.” Let’s be honest. A freaking cow fart means “great change” in New Age symbology. I gave up that internet search pretty quick.

Then, one day, I bought Camille Paglia’s book, “Sexual Personae.” I just discovered this woman, a non-establishment feminist and art critic, who said so many things about the tragic nature of art in academia that I believed wholeheartedly, but could never put into words with the same precision that she did. I was excited to read one of her books, and oh how beautiful the words, with the same cutting diction as when she speaks, but yet, differently, with a sense of love, enjoyment, and enthusiasm for art that you don’t always get when she speaks. It was like reading poetry celebrating humanity, yet rife with a warning of blood, gore, and cruelty brought about by both Man and Nature. When she spoke of femininity, it was both with admiration… and caution. Throughout history, Woman had immense power-much more than we care to admit today- through our femininity alone. The ability to paralyze men with a gaze, to pit men against each other to win our favor, to bring destruction to established order that was built as a defense against Nature and her wolves, storms, and serpents. After all, we-women- ARE Nature.

According to Paglia, in art, there is no Male Gaze, the women depicted in art are gazing at US.

As I read her book, with a certain dark fascination with this side of femininity- and a slight sense of guilty pride, I came across a sentence that just put everything into place. Finally, my dream made sense.

“Hoever, the danger of the homme fatal, as embodied in today’s boyish male hustler, is that he will leave, disappearing to other loves, other lands. He is a rambler, a cowbody and sailor. But the danger of the femme fatasle is that she will stay, still, placid, and paralyzing. Her remaining is a daemonic burden, the ubiquity of Walter Pater’s Mona Lisa, who smothers history. She is a thorny symbol of the perversity of sex. She will stick.”

Just then, everything clicked. I knew what I was dreading. I knew what that dream meant.

I was afraid of getting married. There was a dark part of me that saw it as an inescapable trap.

Only it wasn’t me that was being trapped.

Without going too much into detail, it made me terrified of myself. The evil within. The evil I was capable of. Human beings, especially those who genuinely believed they could do no wrong, have committed unthinkable atrocities to one another throughout history.

In my own personal experience, the people who were the most sure of their personal morality (Christians, atheists, left and right-wingers, doesn’t matter), usually had the most vile and disgusting things to say about people they didn’t like. Whereas the people in my life who were open to the idea that they could be wrong, or not as moral, were the best and most honest people.

Yet, there’s a reason why Evil is typically associated with Snakes in Western Culture. It’s heavily ingrained in our biology due to the fact our ancestors had very unpleasant encounters with them, but also that snakes are sneaky, if you’re not watching out, they can blend into your environment and get you when you’re not looking. Your spouse came home grumpy and snaps at you? Chances are you’re thinking in the back of your mind how to get back at him/her. You might be suppressing that feeling, but it’s there. You know it’s there. If it happens enough, your desire to come out will spring and strike like the venomous snake it is. Or maybe, you’ve been conditioned to be weak and helpless because your overbearing, malevolent boss conditioned you to be: someone weak, unable to take autonomy, and forever unsure of yourself… letting out your resentment when you get home, sabotaging your own work, or becoming bitter to your coworkers who don’t have power over you, but now don’t want to help you because of your attitude.

This is also why we get satisfaction out of violent video games or movies like The Purge. There’s a sense of Catharsis that we’re conditioned not to exhibit, yet get’s played out in that media.

So, does that mean we’re doomed? Are human beings so flawed that we’re destined to become either a monster or a bitter, sniveling weakling that makes our situation worse? Not necessarily. The same drive towards rage and violence can be utilized to be protectors, and make bullies back down if we can show we are capable. If we can integrate our “shadow” personality, our lives would be much more fulfilling and easier to take whatever life throws at us (Carl Jung).

So let’s make some art based on it!

Upcoming Project: Self Portrait as Medusa (working title)

I’m inspired by Caravaggio’s painting of David and Goliath with Goliath’s dismembered head actually being his self portrait.

Maybe it was the most convenient, but there’s something I find fascinating about being willing to cast yourself as the villain. There’s almost an extreme sense of empathy required to do so. It’s not thinking “What would I do in a villain’s situation?” but “What would I do if I grew up exactly the way the villain did, and believed everything they believe?” Which is a much more difficult exercise, but I think a necessary one. Again, I doubt that’s what was going through Caravaggio’s mind, but it’s certainly going through mine.

Caravaggio, David with the Head of Goliath

The Medusa Story

The Medusa story is interesting to me. It seems as though it’s been a study of the dark side of femininity for a long time.

Medusa’s Origin

According to Ovid, Medusa was formerly a priestess of Athena who was raped by Poseidon. Since Greek deities are kind of the worst, if that wasn’t enough, Medusa’s beauty had been on object of resentment for Athena. People were coming to Athena’s temple to see Medusa and get a glance at her beauty. After Poseidon’s attack on Medusa, this was simply Athena’s chance to get vengeance on Medusa, fashion for her a monstrous form, and banish her to a far away island, and help Perseus kill her.

Interpretations

In the traditional interpretation, Medusa symbolizes the gaze and judgement men feel when trying to approach and pursue a beautiful woman. Men fear Medusa the same way men fear the rejection of women.

A lot of feminist scholars will portray Medusa as the victim. Understandably so, she was raped, then the Goddess she dedicated her life to punished her for it. She then becomes a symbol of righteous feminine rage and retribution. Unfortunately, that’s where the interpretation seems to stop. No condemnation of Athena for lacking any kind of support to her loyal subject. Worse of all, Medusa has no agency. No control over self, nor is she expected to. She is a victim, and that’s the end of it.

Perseus is no longer seen as a hero, but just another aggressor. One who invaded her place of solitude. Only this time, he obliterates her completely.

My Questions

As you might have guessed, I don’t like the interpretation where Medusa has no agency. Everything that happens is only because other people did terrible things to her. That’s not trivialize the terrible things that happen to her, and do happen to women (and men) today. I can think of at least one specific example where a male politician raped several women working for him, and his wife turning around and did everything she could to silence them. So, yes, it does happen today.

But people seem to forget about Medusa’s power. It’s a deadly, not fun power, sure, it’s still powerful. Not only that, but I find it highly likely that Medusa very well might have enjoyed her newfound superpowers. Since a man has wronged her, she uses her power to end the lives of any and all men that would come near her. It would definitely ensure that something like that would never happen again. Many today would say that Medusa was not viscous monster the Greeks of old came to be, but a helpless victim, but I think it likely the events that happened turned her into viscous monster on the inside as well as the outside.

Medusa is the anti-Cinderella. While Cinderella remained good while malevolent people were being cruel to her ever day, Medusa would instead more and more viscous in her treachery and isolation. Human beings, as cruel as we are instead, generally tend to be more like Medusa after being treated wrongly, ultimately making our situations worse.

Not only that, but Perseus used Medusa’s head in many battles, using her power to fight evil forces. Something Medusa was unable to do herself.

That’s my own interpretation. What happens when something traumatic happens to you? How do you cope with it? Do you seek vengeance on the world, becoming at least as bad if not worse than forces who turned you into this monster, until a hero finally rises up and puts an end to your nightmare? Or, do you learn how to incorporate your newfound savagery? Maybe realizing a power you never had, then using it to defend not only yourself, but others weaker than you? One path leads down to nothingness and despair, the other path, maybe Medusa could have become hero with awesome godlike power.

Self Portrait

I took my sketchbook and spent about a minute sketching my face in a screaming expression (also, I got a new haircut). I think for a quick study, it didn’t turn out too bed. I was able to think of all the frustrations I suffered in the past year and captured it into a single moment. Not just with my expression, but with my hands too.

I have no idea what I want the final painting to look like, but I’m sure the process itself will be informative. I have a lot of questions in my head about the nature of good and evil. I hope this painting will serve as a an effective exploration as well as catharsis and therapy.

I demand to speak to the manager!

Advertisements
DailyDragon2019

Daily Dragons of June Day 4: Scales

Two posts in one day! I was sick yesterday, and forgot to post to my blog.

I wasn’t feeling all that creative this morning, so I just practiced scales for reference. The sketchbook I’m using is a tiny 4×6 sketchbook which was not only inexpensive, but also great for carrying around. I took it with me on my birthday backpacking trip.

<a href="http://<a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0052NA5KU/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B0052NA5KU&linkCode=as2&tag=ashmeyerart-20&linkId=2677477f045e5b741da924643001316d">Premiere Pro Art Sketchbook: Hardbound, 4 x 6 inches, 220 Pages</a>""Here’s the affiliate link. It’s also nice for simple, quick studies like these. I love it!

Uncategorized

7 Day Lazy Challenge: Day 5

Welcome to the 7 Day Lazy Challenge where we set up our week ahead time to wake up at 5 am to allow us 30 minutes of building our skills for 7 days! We are on Day 5.

Here is what I worked on:

I’m really enjoying the graphite drawing with the colored pencil bit of cloth. I think it looks kind of cool.

So, I’ve heard of people in silent prayer or meditation who get these very dark and negative feelings while they’re doing so. These are manifestations of things we’ve been struggling with that we are needing to work through.

I view art making as a form of meditation, and it’s especially been a form of prayer lately since my Faith was revitalized. Normally it calms and relaxes me, but this morning, not so much. For some reason, I kept thinking back to a couple girls in high school who wronged me, and I couldn’t stop feeling this uncontrollable rage. What made this even more aggravating was that high school was almost 10 years ago for me, so I had no idea why I was getting so angry.

These memories just bubbled back for no apparent reason. Once I drew the girl’s lip corners into a smile, those feelings went away. I’m not sure the significance of that, or even if there is any (maybe the calming power of happy art?), but it was interesting and I thought worth sharing.

Also, look at my forest! Unfortunately, the timer was on silent, so I ended up drawing 15 minutes longer than I planned to (if I had set the timer for 45 minutes, it would have been a cooler species of tree). It is fun to see it grow.

Uncategorized

30 Day Lip Challenge: Day 14/ Self Portrait Lips

Welcome to day 14 of the 30 Day Lip Challenge.

So. I really need to stress this. If you are doing this challenge along with me. DO NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR LIPS AND DRAW THEM. You must use your reflection. Why? First off, when a photo is taken, it flattens the image it captures, so you lose a lot of information from a photo versus drawing something from real life.

Second. This is supposed to be a small, honest evaluation of yourself in the present moment. Yesterday, when I took those photos of my own lips in various expressions, that’s what I was drawing them for, the expressions.

When you’re drawing from your reflection, in theory, unless you’re posing, you’re capturing certain parts of your thoughts, feelings, and psyche at that present time. There was a self portrait I painted last year while I was in Italy, and it looked like a zombie because it was so cloudy/acid rainy for months on end and I was pretty miserable at that moment. You capture weird things like that.

As you can see below, I look pretty miserable because I am! I’m really sick right now (which is why I’m here blogging rather than at my day job). My own throat is trying to suffocate me and it feels as though there’s a mining company that’s taking up residence in my skull and tunneling away at it.

self portrait
I actually put on lipstick because my lips were so pale.

silly cartoon
Sick… but must… continue… creating….

Uncategorized

30 Day Lip Challenge: Days 10-12

Welcome to the 30 Day Lip challenge. Where I paint/draw a pair of lips from a certain theme every day for 30 days minus the few break days scattered in between.

So, I have been consistently drawing every day, I just haven’t been posting them. Which begs the question, what’s to stop me from cheating? I could skip a few days, draw the prompts all one day, and no one back home could ever know?

Well, nothing. But I’d know…

…I’d know.

Day 10: Female Lips.

I wanted to go ridiculous with this one. I was looking at the big supermodel lips. They’re probably not natural, but there’s something pretty funny about it when you can tell. See? One even has buck teeth. The’re not my best, as I had an upcoming ballet class that evening so the only time I had to draw was on the train coming home.

Day 11: Male Lips.

My husband, and his awesome beard, were an amazing model for me. I basically had him stare at one monitor on his computer where I had a good angle. After I was done, he went back to headbanging to metal. ^_^ This actually probably my best work. I’m not sure because it was drawn with a lot of love behind it, or if it was from a live model and there’s a lot more definition when you draw from life vs. drawing from a photo, which flattens the subject. And yes, I did get his permission before posting. 🙂

Day 12: Elderly Lips.

Almost forgot to do these last night. Here we have the lips of Christopher Lee (God rest his soul), Patricia Routledge (Hyacinth from the BBC show, Keeping Up Appearances) and for fun, I drew Lady Olenna from Game of Thrones because upon drawing poor ol’ Hyacinth, I came to the conclusion that she might have been a bit too young.

Now, wait a minute, you might be saying… This is Day 13… Why aren’t you posting Day 13th’s drawing?

Well-um-BE QUIET!!!

Uncategorized

30 Day Lip Challenge: Day 9/Child

IMG_20190109_182729.jpg

So… children’s lips are very difficult. Their heads are somewhat shaped differently than adults. There’s more fat in their faces so it looks like their mouths protrude out more. It’s difficult to draw dimples and not make them look like wrinkles. The key thing here I think is the eyes. These don’t really look like children’s lips, but I have a feeling they would if their eyes were there. That seems to be a common theme. Most expression is in the eyes, so I’ve been finding there’s a lot of information missing without them.

Uncategorized

30 Day Lip Challenge: Day 8/ Old Master Studies

img_20190108_124126

For this entry, I drew four lips from Old Master paintings. The reason why I included an exercise involving Old Master art is because I believe studying their techniques helps improve your art style. You can almost see how they held their pencils, what colors they used, and how they achieved a semi-realistic image.

I drew lips from Boticelli’s Venus, Bougereau’s Young Girl in Profile, John Singer Sargent’s Jean Joseph Marie Carries, and Da Vinci’s Self Portrait sketch. I thought about drawing something by Van Gogh, but then I decided against it because as much fun as that would be, that’s not the direction I want my portrait style to go.

 

little girl
So, no side by side because the image is in a private collection and copy-righted, but you can see the original here. 

So, some reflections. I did this on my lunch break, in the middle of the day, so it was a nice break away from work. I also need to get an actual printer/scanner at some point. My phone takes good pictures, but you can tell it’s a photo on a non-flat sketchbook. If I do this prompt again, I think I’m going to take the original portraits (as long as they’re not copy-righted), and use Photoshop to put the lips I drew over the portraits to keep it fun. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time, but I’m jotting this down so that I remember to do it again or hopefully if you guys are doing this exercise with me, you can do that!

Thanks for following my journey to improve this aspect of the face. Stick around for more!